Unlabored

They say time passes quicker when you're happy. The laughter would carry it away, without brushing you with its breeze…and you simply would not notice. I suppose, if that's true, then time would be heavy and thick when you're sad.
Yes, I agree… I don't know much about happiness –and that is because I tolerated being bleak- but I know that sadness is savored, not only felt…that is why some people would hang on to their heartrending memories. Another thing is … I don't think people can take pain for granted, but they seem to have a habit of doing just that with blissful moments.
I felt time going slow once, now… even with the burdens I bear, time is going fast. What would that mean? …I'm just being the anomaly that I am? or that "my mask of sanity is about to slip".
I don't know how things are moving too fast, but Death's Arrow runs faster than lightening, no ? :)

Commonwealth

What is the one thing in man that hasn't changed over the centuries? I'm trying to decide on a solid answer…funny how the word 'insanity' keeps ringing in my mind.
Deliriousness is immeasurable, but has it changed through the years? …the suffering of the mind can accentuate its sickness, and the same dark halo is drawn to seize it.

The insane can perceive things that will never be invented, horrors that won't be discovered. Does that make insanity universal? Or contemporary in every century ?

A poem by Emily Dickinson came to my mind. Poem number 453 says:

Much Madness is divinest Sense—
To a discerning Eye—
Much Sense—the starkest Madness—
'Tis the Majority
In this, as All, prevail—
Assent—and you are sane—
Demur—you're straightway dangerous—
And handled with a Chain—

I just can't seem to think of something reasonable.

Homily to the Undead

"Why don't you kill yourself?", They asked.
I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Laugh at the absurdity of the question, or weep at its stinging familiarity.
I see it clearly, the thing that really kills me, if I actually took my life…they would sit around and remember with pity, justifying my death for the very things I despised. "She died because she had no faith. She felt gravely alone, because she did not believe."
Holier-than-thou fucks! Is that the only remedy you know? …Is that only reason anyone would fall ? …because they didn't appreciate the divinity you speak of ? That's so pathetic, you've been narrow-minded by your religion. You cannot even see beyond its borders. If I was laying dead, you'd be walking dead, and that is the real grotesque.

Natural Born Philosophers?

Some would look at nature for wonderment, I would too… at the human nature. Funny how we would unconsciously form habits and conclusions, letting them determine our judgments and pattern our way of living.
The most mundane of us have their theories which make them unique.
I think we're all philosophers in our own habitual way. We may not bear that conviction, nor have a personal bestseller "book of perspective".
I don't want to talk about my philosophies, but rather talk about a friend's personal theories, and self-concluded explanations of things.
To example a hypothesis of hers, Cherry –let's call her- believes in the X-Factor… What is the X-Factor? Hmm… neither of us can exactly define it, but I'll try to explain by saying that it is an X (unknown) component that some people have, which enables them to be a center of attraction. It is not about innate sex appeal, it is not about intellection, nor it is about the "spirit".
Is it genetic? "Nope", says Cherry, since she feels a lacking of the X-Factor –which is a disputable point!-, but explains its unfounded existence in another family member.
Hmm… okay Cher, I'll try to look at it from your perspective… so, you're saying that you do not feel the attention that is stimulated by the X-Factor when dressing a certain way, but when the other family member borrows the same clothes, you see a hypothetical spot light cast on her? …The X-Factor it is :)
Oh btw, it's flattering that you'd perceive me as one of the X-Factor carriers…ha! …kinda ironic, but let's question that later, shall we?

We both agree on the "life will come back to bite you in the ass" philosophy! But to introduce a particular one that Cherry has come to determine after series of self-inflicted experiments : the "One step forwards, one step backwards" theory! This conclusion sounds like some sort of a dance, which it is in a way. It's a game that two- or more- people would unconsciously indulge to prove a point, …or nothing!
To clarify this theory I have to –bitterly- go back to a certain time in my life where there was a someone that I expected something from. I would make an effort to be in a certain place in his life, but I felt that I did not exactly get what I was hoping for, so I simply backed off, next thing I knew is.. he's made a move of his own as if to compliment my own... hmm...
Same thing is going on with Cherry, she wanted to get this guy we like to call Jesus (how convenient!) she didn't feel that he was interested at first, but ever since she dismissed him, he seemed to be giving her the proper attention. Ironic, no ?
Well Cher, I totally agree with you on this one, but I simply call it the "Mockery of Life". Ah well…
Anyways, I'm glad that you finally decided to start your own blog. I look forward to your next post.

Cosmic Disconnection

I thought the cosmic mother and I had a pact. I stop living, and she disregards my monotonous entity. Things were going according to agreement at first, but now… I feel her including me in something unknown, yet destructive in all certainty.

Treacherous mother! My laws are broken, and for that I cannot trust anything anymore. I don't know how to react. 'What should I do when I sense another blow?' … I frantically contemplate after the fall.

Same Old Talks

She looks at me with those tired eyes. I feel so sorry for her. She's trying so hard to make me see, to enlighten the darkness of my mind. she smiles again… tiredly, believing she'll fail everything if she fails with me. I smile back soothingly, 'it doesn't matter what happens, you know you tried'. I have to apologize for my imperfection again.
Sometimes, you forget to be a friend, and all I hear is your advices and your moralizations…I grow numb, and your words make no meaning in my head.
But if it makes you feel any better, I'll listen till I fade. I'll listen forever… It's the least I can do, when I can't give what you expect me to be.

Fateless Fate

Some people believe in Fate, they would tell you a utopian idea- "everything that is meant to happen, eventually will". I call them romantic fools.
If there's something you want to happen, don't sit on your ass and say that it's inevitable because it's written in the stars. That's ridiculous. I would advocate Practicality, you want something, you have to work for it. If you don't, it wouldn't just crawl your way. Just accept the fact that it won't happen, so it would be better if you'd just start working on forgetting about it.
Sometimes things just never happen, and if you're mature enough you'll accept that.
Still, a person you know for neutrality in action might get it all, and you wouldn't reap what you sow, but that's not fate, right? …I call it the "mockery of life".
I think fate is a created concept –just as religion- to soothe the restraining impulse that we have of hoping, and holding on to something… even if it's not there.

Sufficiently Inadequate

Sometimes I wonder what is really wrong. I don't question Darkness, or the sickness of my mind. I only taunt this fucking heart. It's my real disease. My real sickness. I want to rip it off. It's decaying within me, the core of depression.
I understand hate, but mostly I understand love. How fake it is, how deadly, and no matter what I do.. sometimes, secretly, I would smile remembering its true decadence.
Hate cannot obliterate. Hate is not two-faced. Hate is pure…unlike its counterpart…love, the suffocating, the ever demanding, the sweetly disguised poison of fatality.
Hate strikes you once, and only once. Love…it takes its time, devouring every fiber of being that you are, till you're left unrecognizable to yourself... and that's probably the most horrific of all things, not knowing the intense eyes staring back at you in the mirror…that somehow it has grown a mind of its own, and might turn against itself…you.
I'm getting closer…only a few steps away, and you will be banished and forever gone, then my Darkness will completely consume. And I will not care for you, but once and a while I will look back remembering you…lovingly.

Names of Inferno

THE FOUR CROWN PRINCES OF HELL

SATAN: (Hebrew) Adversary, Opposite, Accuser, Lord of Fire, The Inferno, The South.
LUCIFER: (Roman) Bringer of Light, Enlightenment, The Air, The Morning Star, The East.
BEUAL: (Hebrew) Without a Master, Baseness of the Earth, Independence, The North.
LEVIATHAN: (Hebrew) The Serpent out of the Deeps, The Sea, The West.

Abaddon: (Hebrew) The Destroyer.
Adramelech: Samarian Devil.
Ahpuch: Mayan Devil.
Ahriman: Mazdean Devil.
Amon: Egyptian ram-headed God of Life and Reproduction.
Apollyon: Greek synonym for Satan, The Arch Fiend.
Asmodeus: (Hebrew) Devil of Sensuality and Luxury, origi­nally "Creature of Judgment".
Astaroth: Phoenician Goddess of Lasciviousness, equiva­lent of Babylonian Ishtar.
Azazel: (Hebrew) Taught man to make weapons of war, introduced cosmetics.
Baalberith: Lord of the Covenant who was later made a Devil.
Ballaam: (Hebrew) Devil of Avarice and Greed .
Baphomet: Worshipped by the Templars as symbolic of Satan.
Bast: Egyptian Goddess of Pleasure represented by the cat.
Beelzebub: (Hebrew) Lord of the Flies.
Behemoth: Hebrew personification of Satan in the form of an elephant.
Beherit: Syriac name for Satan.
Bile: Celtic God of Hell.
Chemosh: National God of Moabites, later a Devil.
Cimeries: Rides a black horse and rules Africa.
Coyote: American Indian Devil.
Dagon: Philistine avenging Devil of the Sea.
Damballa: Voodoo Serpent God.
Demogorgon: Greek name of the Devil, it is said should not be known to mortals.
Diabolus: (Greek) "flowing downwards".
Dracula: Romanian name for Devil.
Emmao: Japanese Ruler of Hell.
Euronymous: Greek Prince of Death.
Fenriz: son of Loki, depicted as a wolf.
Gorgo: dim. of Demogorgon, Greek name of the Devil.
Haborym: Hebrew synonym for Satan.
Hecate: Greek Goddess of the Underworld and Witchcraft.
Ishtar: Babylonian Goddess of Fertility.
Kali:(Hindu) daughter of Shiva, High Priestess of the Thuggees.
Lilith: Hebrew female Devil, Adam's first wife who taught him the ropes.
Loki: Teutonic Devil.
Mammon: Aramaic God of Wealth and Profit.
Mania: Etruscan Goddess of Hell.
Mantus: Etruscan God of Hell.
Marduk: God of the City of Babylon.
Mastema: Hebrew synonym for Satan.
Melek Taus: Yezidi Devil.
Metztli: Aztec Goddess of the Night.
Mictian: Aztec God of Death.
Midgard: son of Loki, depicted as a Serpent.
Milcom: Ammonite Devil.
Moloch: Phoenician and Canaanite Devil.
Mormo: (Greek) King of the Ghouls, consort of Hecate.
Naamah: Hebrew female Devil of seduction.
Nergal: Babylonian God of Hades.
Nihasa: American Indian Devil.
Nija :Polish God of the Underworld.
0:Yama: Japanese name for Satan.
Pluto: Greek God of the underworld.
Persephone: Greek Queen of the Underworld.
Pwcca: Welsh name for Satan.
Rimmon: Syrian Devil worshipped at Damascus.
Sabazios: Phrygian, identified with Dionysus, Snake Worship.
Saitan: Enochian equivalent of Satan.
Sammael: (Hebrew) Venom of God.
Samnu: Central Asian Devil.
Sedit: American Indian Devil.
Sekhmet: Egyptian Goddess of Vengeance.
Set: Egyptian Devil.
Shaitan: Arabic name for Satan.
Shiva: (Hindu) The Destroyer.
Supay: Inca God of the Underworld.
T’anmo: Chinese counterpart to the Devil, Covetousness, Desire.
Tchort: The Black God, Russian name for Satan.
Tezcatlipoca: Aztec God of Hell .
Thamuz: Sumerian God who was later delivered to Devil­dom.
Thoth: Egyptian God of magic.
Tunrida: Scandinavian female Devil.
Typhon: Greek personification of Satan.
Yaotzin: Aztec God of Hell.
Yenl Wang: Chinese Ruler of Hell.

Source: 'The Satanic Bible', by Anton Szandor LaVey

Metal This!

Passed you today in college hall. I avoided eye-contact with you…it's nothing new. A habit I have when it comes to a certain someone.
Pardon me if I was in your focus, I do not wish to ever be noticed by you.
Still, I wanted to turn invincible… the only way I can step a little closer to memorize how your face looks like.
You're not an object of my affection. You're a rag doll in black raising my despise, mainly directed at myself for once thinking that I could give you a chance at something.
I don't want to see you ever again. What happened was put to an end, and I'm sorry it had to reach that far, I'm sorry about that little stunt I did to your friend…It was not my idea, I was just the first to do it! ..and I do regret it, it was stupid. At least I would admit it, not act as phony as you do!
And you don't have to make more of an ass of yourself by circling where I sit, going back and forth like you have some business, it's pathetic! I saw you the first time…I just wasn't impressed by what I've seen, I was mainly revolted. You can go ahead and change your scene, cos it's not hard to see through the act anymore.

To Free the Pain

A moment out of my control. My body and mind were two separate beings, and I ,the third…their observer.
My mind screamed "No.. this is not right!" but my hand went on. "Stop it! What happened is not worth it!" ...As I look on, new six cuts are made, and I can't even feel them, but my mind is grieving as a new form of sickness is born to mark my body. Now I really have to hide.
I miss the slams of doors, the punching of walls, the useless grazing of bloodied nails on impenetrable surfrace. At least someone knew back then, someone heard, someone … asked, in total bsurdity "What was that?!"...waiting for me to reply the usual "Nothing." But now it's all quiet. No forged answers. Nothing. Only me witnessing the darkling red.

Fairy of Art

This post is for a special person, …a fairy to be specific :) Art Fairy gave me two presents that I'm really impressed by…
No, Art Fairy is not my art muse or something! my muse would be from Hell! She's actually a friend of mine who is really talented in sensual pictorial art. Some of her works of oil paints were in the art exhibition of the English day in Kuniv- I remember one was sold to quiet an interesting Professor ;)
So Art Fairy, if you ever read this, thanks taking a little time to draw me these sexy witches- very thoughtful with the pentagram ;)
After your permission, I post them…

I took these pictures by a Lumix Panasonic cam, still it doesn't really do them justice, …'sides, I'm not a good photographer.
Looking forward to seeing your site. Good luck with your work, girl!

A Hym to the Hollow

Once you try to pull out, it pulls you under... further in, and you drown…
How can you fight it? This state of paralysis is only deafening, blinding, chocking… searing the other senses. But the worst thing you can ever do is to pray, then all hope will be lost… because what you will realize, after your hundredth prayer, is that there is no Divinity for you. Or to anyone else. The self-generating superstition through all the centuries. The biggest of all. The darkest. We repeat every time we fall or up, when we fail or succeed, in lamentation or in chanting… merely because we need to believe that we are not alone.
"We are not . We are not alone. We are not alone because He is there. Somewhere. Some place. The Unknown. Watching, and promising, everything and nothing. That is why we are not alone."
If this is the way you need it to be. If this stops your chronic bleeding, then don't try to pull out, just drown… because He has promised you that you are not alone.