Dark Mysticism

New Member of The Morbids

2009-08-29T23:50:00.005+03:00

It's been long since this wretched place last update. I purposely avoided visiting the domain for a long time. Seeing it desolate and deserted only reminded me of pending promises.

Since this is my humble attempt at a ressurection, I thought of introducing the newest member of The Morbid family.

Meet Beethoven! ..Minus the musical talent.

My Wickedling and I adopted him a month ago. He is a playful one, with sometimes weird and unexplainable antics!

He looks exceptionaly adorable while sleeping.

...Yet we cannot seem to sneak up on him to take a proper photograph without getting caught.

That is all from The Morbid Family this evening! Have a good day, minions!

F(r)iend*

2008-02-11T22:09:00.002+03:00

Deathwish came to me in a lonesome hour.
She smiled at me when none did the same.
She wept away crystals while holding me close,
And told me lies I dare believe.

Deathwish peered into my eyes with conviction,
She gave me petals of iron to draw patterns in crimson.
Her hand upon mine, we began to use them.

Deathwish leaned over me for a kiss farewell.
She painted my charms with scriptures, and wished me life in hell.

Undeclared

2007-12-26T00:31:00.001+03:00

To my "big fan",
Thank you for your indulging words, and scaring the hell out of me!

All my respects,

A Tribute to Black Metal!

2007-08-30T12:22:00.001+03:00

Darkness, hear my plea!
Descend upon my wretched form!
Unholy Darkness! Beholder of Lucifer's glory!
Descend and pierce my soul!
I have sinned for so long, awaiting thy ambrosias praise!

After listening to Dark Funeral and Darkthrone for about a couple of hours, this is what I ended up writing. Who says music doesn't brainwash you?
This is meant for entertainment, so please don't start with me being possessed!

For The Three Wells of Oblivion

2007-08-30T12:13:00.001+03:00

Well of Emptiness, inside my head.
Well of Emptiness, feeds my dread.
Well of Emptiness, once was I,
Well of Emptiness, now running dry.

Well of Nothingness, be entwined.
Well of Nothingness, don't deny.
Well of Nothingness, the echoes above,
Well of Nothingness, my irrational alcove.

Well of Wistfulness, I pray for demise,
Well of Wistfulness, of the Father of Lies.
Well of Wistfulness, cleanse my scars,
Well of Wistfulness, of His poisonous wrath.

My Windows Live Space

2007-08-30T10:27:00.003+03:00

Ardent Demise

Just some other blog to post quotes and images I like!

Emily Bronte

2006-12-02T04:12:00.001+03:00

"They thought the tide of grief would flow
Uncheck'd through future years;
But where is all their anguish now,
And where are all their tears?

Well, let them fight for honour's breath
Or pleasure's shade pursue--
The dweller in the land of death
Is changed and careless too."

- My Lady's Grave

Daily Instruments

2006-11-27T03:29:00.000+03:00

Unreal

2006-11-22T15:20:00.001+03:00

She doesn't exist in this world, only beyond the surface of the cold screen. She doesn't exist. And I hate that I compare her to all beings when put to test. How crude and tedious they become, and how she would silently suffer in isolation. But she's not real; I am yet to convince myself. I need her, but she's of my own creation, I give her the pulse, the silence in which she mesmerizes me. I make her tragic, and alluring but I can't feel her warmth. Only blankly stare where she resides. Beyond the screen. Inside my head.

How To Wash Your Hands

2006-11-07T17:01:00.001+03:00

Sophie and I walked into a resturant restroom and this is what we found hanging on the wall:

...Gee, I wouldn't have figured out how to wash my hands if it weren't for this poster :/

Light A Million Candles

2006-11-06T07:00:00.001+03:00

Online Child pornography has dramatically increased in a decade. The victims are children, so young and defenseless against the depravity of those who seek it. Innocence is raped within its walls, and lives have ended before they begun. Lightamillioncandles.com is not asking for your financial support, only to light a candle for the children victimized in this industry.

"We're aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31, 2006.

This petition will be used to encourage governments, politicians, financial institutions, payment organizations, Internet service providers, technology companies and law enforcement agencies to eradicate the commercial viability of online child abuse."

Please offer your support. Go to www.lightamillioncandles.com and light a candle.

Fated

2006-10-25T15:48:00.001+03:00

She went away, and I'm here to stay, forever in this decaying cell. Trapped between myself and myself. And you ask me why my eyes would cry bitter blood tears. Why I would lament a god-willed state. A forfeit I shall be, and accept this as my fate.

"The Voices Made Me Do It"

2006-10-04T16:39:00.001+03:00

'Demons' by Selkis

Calm

2006-10-04T12:18:00.001+03:00

Shrewd silence beckoned the dusk; flickering rays exit the inward abyss. To contain this malice of madness, forlorn thou shalt be. Walls of self-loathing in false reflections. The calmness of a smile too weary to façade this dismal state of mind. Abbhorent Desolation, this hour arise.

Death : Of Fimiliars

2006-09-25T11:32:00.001+03:00

A wreath is ecclesiastical on my head, preaching me of its inevitable symmetry and unyielding diligence. A foreseeable perdition of what is yet to come, and how life will end with no regard of how it withered to ash and dust. "You believe the eyes only venture once when lastly glazed, as I take you under my wings of eternal slumber. But I am in every dismal face, devouring pieces of the fragile soul. I take your pain onto me; your mortal loss is solely my gain. Into my hollow valley, you find your remains. So why fear me as life passes you by if the moment you're born you begin to die?"

Suicide Veil

2006-09-23T06:11:00.001+03:00

This is to you, my forlorn Madness, My untimely Death.

A sacrifice in the flight of dawn

The beauty of twisted reality

In my heart, my dreams

A sacrifice for freedom

Alone in the grace of the dark

The pains of a failed generation

I longed for the death of the sun

Another glorious revelation

Destiny's plan for ruin

I danced with the shadows

In tranquil chaos, I lay naked in the rain

An interception of light

A disturbing memory

This suicide veil I wear in shame

Written by D. Patterson

Anathema

Unforsaken

2006-09-07T11:33:00.001+03:00

I cannot forsake this life, for it is only mine. In my own step, I walk into demise. I am not one of the flock. I am not child of god. They are sanctified before they die, baptized in blood and forsaken dreams.

Of Verlaine's

2006-09-05T03:54:00.001+03:00

It Rains In My Heart…

(Romances Sans Paroles: Arriettes Oubliées I)

It rains for no reason

in this heart without heart.

What? And no treason?

A grief without reason?

It’s pain’s darkest state

not to know why,

my heart feels such weight

without love, without hate.

-to beloved Sophie

Last Prayers

2006-08-14T04:49:00.001+03:00

" God, deliver me from my friends. From my enemies I will deliver myself. "

Some Quotes

2006-08-03T09:25:00.003+03:00

"Death, be not Proud. Though Some have called thee Mighty and Dreadful, for Thou art not so. "

-- John Donne Holy Sonnet X

"Death where is thy sting? Love, where is thy glory?"

-- Shakespeare

"Come distortured artists, bitter things seek meaning, even if they're madness to behold!"

-- Cradle Of Filth Death Magick For Adepts

"She's in my voice, in all I do!

Her poison flows in all my veins!

I am the looking-glass of pain,

where she regards herself, the shrew! "

-- Baudelaire from Les fleures du mal

"I dwelt alone in a world of moan And my soul was a stagnant tide."

--Edgar Allan Poe

FREE(DOOM)

2006-08-03T09:20:00.001+03:00

Ever green beneath the fragile layer. When cold, they're blue. They engulf me in a seemingly endless liquid embrace, complacent in its warmth. Rarely calm, they call for me to set them free and witness what ripples beneath their ruby folds. I close my eyes to will them away. My words are desperately at bay as their stream courses through me, echoing their requests again. Relentless, as they have ever been. Whispers of pleas immersed in frantic resilience, "Set us free, and in return we shall do the same to you."
This is when my silence breaks with insane prayers to nobody. "Do as told before paralysis-regret". Blades in red scattered across white marble. Veins exhaling the deadly sigh. Free at last.

Deadly Peace

2006-08-02T05:42:00.001+03:00

After the lightened haze, she turned her head to be locked in a box of velvet bricks. Walls so thick, cannot hear the sobs of this wretched detachment — desolation bleeds out the eye. So cold, yet soothing; this deadly peace in which She abides. Her home of mirror loathing. A self-constructed castle of fabrications. Beyond are Smiles of paint, sighs of concealed impatience.

Desperate Denial

2006-07-28T02:37:00.001+03:00

Blocking out thoughts? No wonder you barely remember a thing. My friend, no wonder why the shock is still in your eyes. Unmistakable void, have you forgotten her face? She still smiles, and a mirage of memory slithers demanding worship. A million candle is only lit in your head, for she's still alive, she's still undead. Somewhere beneath endless oblivious sky, her shrine is set. So don't deny the godess smile only to form a tourniquent for your detachment.

A Victory (Of Some Sort)

2006-07-27T03:12:00.001+03:00

The body is a history map of won battles. Written in blood, and scabbed into oblivion. A form of insanity, or sanity forsaken? Who am I to say? Shadows are on the wall becoming alive, succumbing loneliness as they brush against the anguished face, "You won again," They whisper.

Just A Dream

2006-07-26T04:21:00.001+03:00

I dreamt of a black cat in my room. It was small and fragile... Dying, yet I had to hide it from their eyes.

Biblical Revelation

2006-05-25T05:37:00.001+03:00

My days have passed away,
My thoughts are dissipated, tormenting my heart.
They have turned Night into Day,
And I after Darkness I hope for Light again.
If I wait hell is my house, and I have
made my bed in Darkness.
I have said to rottenness: thou art
my father; to worms, my mother and
my sister.
Where is now then my expectation,
and who considereth my patience?
All that I have shall go down into
The deepest pit: thinkest thou that there
At least I shall have rest?

[JOB 17:11-16 DV]

Pointless

2006-05-03T08:32:00.001+03:00

I smiled at the Lunacy Fairy when we sat in the coffee place. She seems tired, yet willing to humor me with a conversation. "How did we become like this?" I asked in perplexity "What happened to us?" … She narrowed her eyes, "I just want to know when was the turning point!" Her face blank.. I'm still wondering, but I'm afraid to find out.

Masochistic

2006-05-03T08:31:00.001+03:00

I could look at a burning candle forever. Even feel my life wasting with its melting wax. My sick laughter as I dip my finger tips into the blistering pool.. I'm actually amused at the burning sting that takes over this nothingness. Reminding me that I still can FEEL.

Godless

2006-05-03T08:30:00.001+03:00

I wish you were here. I wish I wasn't alone. But it's only my deafening echo in this Darkness. My heart tells me you're there sometimes.. but I've learned how to disbelieve and doubt it. No romance. SILENCE!
I told you once, prove to me you're there. Let me feel your warmth on my cheek. All I felt was the cold draft from a window left opened. I guess I was hoping for a miracle. I'll forgive myself. This one time.

Just an Opinion

2006-05-03T08:28:00.001+03:00

We had a discussion today in my Commonwealth class about equality and freedom of individuals. What is equality? What freedom? Are they one and the same, and how can a people be considered free or equal to one another? … As usual, I kept silent and didn't share my opinion, so I'm writing it here. For me.
I think equality and freedom are two different things. Equality is a property of the public, the equality of the people regardless to what religion, race, or gender they are. Freedom is something personal. To be free is a matter of the individual's perception of the idea of freedom. To explain, a non Muslim may consider Islam to be oppressive and restricting to one's freedom, but devoted Muslim would think an issue, such as the segregation of the sexes, to be a principle of ethic and conviction. He wouldn't find it to be despotic or unjust.
I guess equality is way out of reach, and freedom is usually abused or taken for granted :/

The Other

2006-05-03T08:20:00.001+03:00

Cold glass, how you insert yourself

Between myself and myself.

I scratch like a cat.

The blood that runs is dark fruit---

An effect, a cosmetic.

You smile.No, it is not fatal.

- Sylvia Plath

This poem is not a suicide poem, it is a poem about Self-Injury. The speaker in the poem tells how she relieved by the effect of seeing her blood run, letting out her distress. She covers up her wounds with cosmetics, and then people would see her beautiful again.

For The Blind in Darkness

2006-05-01T08:58:00.001+03:00

I don't know what happened this dark morning that made me remember you, but this is my acknowledgment, this is my recongnition. For you. This is.. nothing, but a dedicatation to you. The Blind in Darkness.

Hope Leaves

by Opeth

In the corner beside my window

There hangs a lonely photograph

There is no reason I'd never notice

A memory that could hold me back

There is a wound that's always bleeding

There is a road I'm always walking

And I know you'll never return to this place

Gone through days without talking

There is a comfort in silence

So used to losing all ambition

Struggling to maintain what's left

Once undone, there is only smoke

Burning in my eyes to blind

To cover up what really happened

Force the darkness unto me

This is for you... The Blind in Darkness.

Bloody Art

2006-04-12T07:57:00.002+03:00

Sometimes, moments of anger can make beautiful art..

Unproven

2006-04-07T16:31:00.001+03:00

Why do you want me to live in your definition of happiness? As if I have no other choice, I oblige. But time is ticking and I'm shedding skin. I don't know what will be left of me when I finish all my courtesy. Sometimes, I feel your fear more than your love. It feeds me its sickness.. I dishevel choking on my pain. I can't let you prove my weakness. I'd calm you, but I couldn't forsake my cell.. My only shelter.. You must forgive me.

Missing Coyote

2006-03-30T18:19:00.001+03:00

Sometimes, trying to make sense of all is a risk of losing all sense.
I know you tried to argue your way to reality. To reach a place that you can hold on to.. but you're not here anymore. I wish you weren't so stubborn. I wish you didn't have such passion for life, then you'd reach a truth you can hold on to.. entombed .. with me..

We Die Alone

2006-03-30T15:20:00.002+03:00

A smile is a gesture too insincere. Lock the eyes, only to turn and contemplate what's been whispered. No. She is still trapped. "I'll die alone." she wrote to me. Compromise is the weapon of the helpless. I take her eyes, and leave her bloodlessly wandering. Years of Isolation begin as she exists in fading. I watch over her shadow losing sanity. She stains me to still, I am captivated. "I'll die alone". She writes again. Skin enflamed red, withering, she smiles.

(This piece is inspired by Isolation Years by Opeth)

Cutting Quotes

2006-02-07T20:44:00.001+03:00

"The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain."
-Karl Marx

"Self-injury is a sign of distress not madness. We should be congratulated on having found a way of surviving."
-Cory Anderson

"How will you know I am hurting if you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain."
-C. Blount

"See here, there are bruises.. some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way, so I nod my head. I'm ready for the world to see."
-"Chameleon Boy," Blue October

"That was when I cut my arms with a razor blade as a means of creative expression. I only did it lightly, just grazing the skin, to see the way the blood would bleed out, to make myself look tougher. Not like some of those kids who keep going deeper and deeper, wondering what they look like down to the bone, because it's a world that's so close and yet so far and so dangerous and so much their own. The only world that is their own."
-"Violet and Claire," Francesca Lia Block

"'Cutting myself was something beyond despair, something very extreme. It's about trying to get to something. The physical act is a metaphor of trying to access something that is frozen. Something between who you were and since the depression who you've moved to and there's this thick layer of ice and you can't get to yourself. You're really excavating to try and find yourself again. It's a positive act even though people around you find it horrible, self-destructive, terrifying and think that you have literally gone crazy.'"
-"A Head Full of Blue," Nick Johnstone

The easiest thing to do is to judge one another, but if one cannot relate, then one can not understand. Even sympathy could not be found.

Just a Trivial Observation

2006-02-07T20:26:00.001+03:00

Funny how in movies, nobody listens to the warnings of psychics and fortune-tellers. Before you know it, you see the characters getting shot in the head, or hit by a moving vehicle… In real life, a lot of people are all ears for fortune talks, not hesitating to pay extra for some prophecy… and they never come true! People are just sad.

Just Another Puppet

2006-02-02T20:41:00.001+03:00

Sick Romance

2005-12-23T15:02:00.001+03:00

Another poem written for you never to be read, always hidden beneath long bloody sleeves. Blackened eyes never to be met. The way it is meant to be. I would kill you to keep you here, then bury you under my bed, make you spread your sickness where I rest. Then forever we'll be.

Rainy Wednesday

2005-11-26T19:09:00.001+03:00

Just some pictures I took last Wednesday November 16th when Kuwait experienced some heavy rain. I'm not a professional photographer and these pictures were taken randomly on Al-Ghazali highway.
Must warn you though, the pictures don't exactly scream "beautiful Kuwait" if you know what I mean!

Who is Responsible for Hurricane Katrina?

2005-09-24T16:13:00.001+03:00

I found another funny article titled "Who's to Blame?"… It showed me not to give up on the human race… as they can always amuse you with their stupidity!
According to this article, Hurricanes don’t just "happen", but are results of "god's" wrath! … Fine, we all have our conceptions and beliefs, but why was god angry?! I'd like to post some of the reasons that made me snicker!

Cause One: ALLAH
Muhammad Yousef Al-Mlaifi, director of the Kuwaiti Ministry of Endowment’s research center, blamed Allah. In an article entitled “The Terrorist Katrina Is One of the Soldiers of Allah,” Yousef Al-Mlaifi first thanks America for making Iraq “the most tranquil and secure country in the world.” He then writes, “How sad I am for America. Here it is, poor thing, trying with all its might to lower oil prices [and then along comes] this storm, the fruit of Allah’s planning, so that a barrel of oil will increase further still.” The Kuwaiti closes with a quote from the Koran: “The disaster will keep striking the unbelievers for what they have done.”
Muhammad Yousef Al-Mlaifi would be moldering in a mass grave with the rest of Kuwaiti’s government officials if the U.S. hadn’t driven Saddam Hussein’s armies out of Kuwait in the first Gulf War in 1991.

I really don't think he intended to scorn them or that "blaming" is the right word to be used here, but people here believe that everything good or bad is in the hands of Allah... oh well!

Cause Two: ANNE RICE
One can only celebrate, and profit from, the “dark arts” for so long before one brings God’s wrath down upon one’s head. Anne Rice, who hasn’t written a single decent book during her interminably long career, may have brought Katrina’s epic destruction to the city she has celebrated in her novels about vampires, witches, mummies, and more vampires. Paganism, homosexuality, the “goth” way of life—these dissolute lifestyles have been promoted and glamorized in Rice’s fiction, inspiring scores of dweebish teens to turn away from more wholesome pursuits. Frankly, we’re surprised God didn’t level the city after Violin was published.

Maybe god was reading it too! Hehe!

Cause Three: THE SIMPSONS!
How did New Orleans, a den of sin and vice for 300 long years, manage to escape God’s wrath for so long? It’s possible that God, with so much on his hands, was unaware of Mardi Gras, Southern Decadence, Girls Gone Wild, and foot-long margaritas until relatively recently. What brought New Orleans’s sinful status to the attention of our vengeful God ? Could it have been an episode of the long-running animated hit The Simpsons?
In the episode “A Streetcar Named Marge,” the citizens of Springfield perform a musical version of Tennessee Williams’s A Streetcar Named Desire. The show opens with the cast performing in front of the Superdome, singing the opening number, “New Orleans!”

Long before the Superdome,
Where the Saints of football play,
Lived a city that the damned called home,
Hear their hellish roundelay…
New Orleeeans…
Home of pirates, drunks, and whores!
New Orleeeans…
Tacky, overpriced, souvenir stores!
If you want to go to Hell, you should make that trip
To the Sodom and Gomorrah on the Mississipp’!
New Orleeeans…
Stinking, rotten, vomiting, vile!
New Orleaaans…Putrid, brackish, maggoty, foul!
New Orleeeans…Crummy, lousy, rancid, and rank!
New Orleeeans!

I'm not really into any religion, but how can you think that some god killed all these people, and left the survivors dying or without a shelter because of his spite at a published book, or a TV series? *shrugs* Some people actually believe that.

To Stupify You

2005-09-20T22:12:00.001+03:00

I used to stay there in Darkness, yet I knew what was going around me. Now, I am hearing things for the first time… he's getting married. Stupid! I told him he was too young to do it, but that's only my opinion.
He walked in my domain, and put them down on the table. "Swiss chocolate!", he said. …I know who gave it to him. "I don't like chocolate!" I lied looking straight into careless eyes... Don't you feign it so well?
You sit somewhere behind, singing and mumbling complete nonsense trying to get any reaction. Childish.

Forlorn

2005-09-13T00:10:00.003+03:00

It's sad that we all die alone, but the tragic is that we live alone as well.

Is Your Child A Goth?!

2005-09-11T12:40:00.001+03:00

I found an article written by St. Mary's Church on the MKMagazine website that I can only describe as religiously fanatic and clueless. I mostly get sick of those misconceptions about the Goth culture and how they confuse it with Satanism and psychological disorders!
I'd like to post it here for my personal amusement.

January 19, 2005
Is Your Child a Goth? Presented by St. Mary's Church

Was Salem Correct?

Source: http://www.stmaryschurch.org/

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have goneastray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerousculture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothicculture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil,darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling,prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations iffive or more of the following are applicable to your child.

-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup,lipstick or nail polish.
-Wears any odd silver jewelry or symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Mansonclaims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Pleasediscard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
-Associates with other people thatdress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible,prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult,witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation.(This is aSatanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love.Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental healthcenter.)
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak toevil sprits through meditation.)
-Insists on spending time with friendswhile unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but afew examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats excessively or too little.
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believethis is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should bestopped immediately.)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted mediasources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child maywatch.)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates.
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology,Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases:"I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".-Claims to be a goth.

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately.The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of theseproblems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center. Posted by MK Magazine at January 19, 2005 09:12 AM

MK Magazine at January 19, 2005 09:12 AM

Some points mentioned above are true to be found in a Goth individual, some you'd just see at any normal teenage- ones as random as watching tv?! I think this article is unfair, not to mention ridiculously hilarious!, but it's issued by a church, so what can you expect?

WWE

2005-09-08T20:59:00.001+03:00

Wrestling have been a fascination to me for as long as I can remember. I stopped watching it for awhile, but now I'm back analyzing things. Since wrestling is a "show", how do wrestlers bleed, and are they actually bleeding?
I searched and found out that there's a wrestling technique called "blading". The word speaks for itself really, but to elaborate I took this definition from Obsessed with Wrestling who say it's a way "used to help a match be considered more believable or more violent and exciting by using a razor blade to cut yourself to draw more blood, most often done by the wrestler himself but there has been occasions where a manager/valet would do it for the wrestler and even the referee has been used for blading."
I still can't see how does this blading action take place though, wouldn't watching a match makes it easy to show the blading action if that actually requires slashing oneself with a razor?! … Professional wrestling, everybody!

Art 4 Metal

2005-08-27T09:53:00.002+03:00

KingZog has an amazing website. His Art work is designed to demonstrate a gothic sense of horror, anguish, and dark fantasy. He even designed album covers for several metal bands!
Anyone interested in Dark Art should click here.
Keith, looking forward to seeing your next works.

Grave Darkness!

2005-08-27T07:00:00.001+03:00

Lonesome Death

2005-08-27T06:35:00.001+03:00

Seems a lot of people are petrified of dying alone. Some are scared that they won't find a perfect partner; so they spend the rest of their lives having to endure loneliness. Others maybe are divorcees who gave up on the whole idea of new beginnings, and now all they're dedicated to is raising the children. Some have even substituted the lack of human company with pets, … A week after they die, they're found with their faces half eaten by their cats! This one I find particularly amusing.
To die alone… all I can think of is this emptiness. What are the chances that one would die alone? … How isolated would one be? What did they reject, or what did they embrace to be cut off from everything? Seems it doesn't really matter, as the common consequence leaves you with the same thought before you die.

Better to Never Have Loved..

2005-08-26T14:56:00.001+03:00

They say "Better to have loved and lost", a condolence to a broken heart.I scorn their resignation… I say "better to never have loved, then you wouldn't have lost".
When you're alone again, all you'd have is memories searing your senses, not empathizing with your loss. The sweet turns bitter, and the bitter turns worse… and you're left to struggle with the pain.
"Love" never gives the promise of forever. It's us who do all the talking, like you're bound to say what your mind sows for you, no matter how high it is with all the confusing frenzy.

Then, when it’s all clear, you wake up with the worst hangover of your life, not knowing what hit you. Karma works its magic.
"Better to never have loved" …maybe the resignation is mine.

Haunted!

2005-08-19T13:39:00.001+03:00

And so, it is said, you are haunted!
My friend, we are haunted all;
And every homestead holds a ghost
That ever has held a pall.

Do you think that the empty cradle
Has never a ghost within?
Or he unused nursery table
Hears never a ghostly din?

Think you there is never a patter
Of unseen feet on the floor?
Or that never a voiceless clamour
Floats in through the garden door?

Is there ever a maid or a widow
Whose love lies under a stone,
Who holds not a ghost to her aching heart,
To cherish and call her own?

Is there ever a grey-haired beauty
Looks not in her glass to see-
No time-worn face- but the phantom form
Of the belle she was wont to be?

Was there ever a wretch abandoned,
A waif from the hour of birth,
Whose unknown mother was not to him
A ghost on the dreary earth?

Could there ever be a man or woman,
Facing through lane or street,
Who could not extend an open hand
Some shadowy friend to greet?

Could there ever be a man or a woman
So lonely and loveless through life,
Was never haunted by kith or kin,
Spirit of peace or strife?

Could there ever be a human being
With heart so narrow and small
That never a ghost could his therein,
To waken at Memory's call?

There are some with vision beclouded
Who see not all that they might;
And some, of a finer essence born,
Who see with the inner sight.

To these the past hath its phantoms,
More real than solid earth;
And to these death does not mean decay,But only another birth.

By Isabella Banks

True Blood

2005-08-08T18:54:00.001+03:00

The graphics of the game Togainu no Chi (True Blood) are amazing. A friend downloaded them. This one in particular took my breath away…

Imaginary

2005-08-08T09:44:00.001+03:00

All this time, you think I'm alone in my dark room…I am not.
I just need to concentrate, so I can see their faces clearly. My beloveds, I will. So your faces don't distort turning you into monsters. Monsters I adore!

From the Heart

2005-08-03T17:25:00.001+03:00

Sometimes I feel invisible as ghost, watching you from far away… raging, laughing…toying, or tolerating. You're passing me inattentively, or simply scolding my presence... Other times, I am the one to forsake you, when I let you go by without holding on to you.
Forgive me, I humbly forget how beautiful you are. But you can still take my breath away when you make them smile, or when you make me cry. It's like a slap I get, to remember never to underestimate you again. I won't… for now.

Unlabored

2005-07-31T11:53:00.001+03:00

They say time passes quicker when you're happy. The laughter would carry it away, without brushing you with its breeze…and you simply would not notice. I suppose, if that's true, then time would be heavy and thick when you're sad.
Yes, I agree… I don't know much about happiness –and that is because I tolerated being bleak- but I know that sadness is savored, not only felt…that is why some people would hang on to their heartrending memories. Another thing is … I don't think people can take pain for granted, but they seem to have a habit of doing just that with blissful moments.
I felt time going slow once, now… even with the burdens I bear, time is going fast. What would that mean? …I'm just being the anomaly that I am? or that "my mask of sanity is about to slip".
I don't know how things are moving too fast, but Death's Arrow runs faster than lightening, no ? :)

Commonwealth

2005-07-30T00:43:00.001+03:00

What is the one thing in man that hasn't changed over the centuries? I'm trying to decide on a solid answer…funny how the word 'insanity' keeps ringing in my mind.
Deliriousness is immeasurable, but has it changed through the years? …the suffering of the mind can accentuate its sickness, and the same dark halo is drawn to seize it.

The insane can perceive things that will never be invented, horrors that won't be discovered. Does that make insanity universal? Or contemporary in every century ?

A poem by Emily Dickinson came to my mind. Poem number 453 says:

Much Madness is divinest Sense—
To a discerning Eye—
Much Sense—the starkest Madness—
'Tis the Majority
In this, as All, prevail—
Assent—and you are sane—
Demur—you're straightway dangerous—
And handled with a Chain—

I just can't seem to think of something reasonable.

Homily to the Undead

2005-07-29T01:59:00.001+03:00

"Why don't you kill yourself?", They asked.
I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Laugh at the absurdity of the question, or weep at its stinging familiarity.
I see it clearly, the thing that really kills me, if I actually took my life…they would sit around and remember with pity, justifying my death for the very things I despised. "She died because she had no faith. She felt gravely alone, because she did not believe."
Holier-than-thou fucks! Is that the only remedy you know? …Is that only reason anyone would fall ? …because they didn't appreciate the divinity you speak of ? That's so pathetic, you've been narrow-minded by your religion. You cannot even see beyond its borders. If I was laying dead, you'd be walking dead, and that is the real grotesque.

Natural Born Philosophers?

2005-07-28T20:20:00.001+03:00

Some would look at nature for wonderment, I would too… at the human nature. Funny how we would unconsciously form habits and conclusions, letting them determine our judgments and pattern our way of living.
The most mundane of us have their theories which make them unique.
I think we're all philosophers in our own habitual way. We may not bear that conviction, nor have a personal bestseller "book of perspective".
I don't want to talk about my philosophies, but rather talk about a friend's personal theories, and self-concluded explanations of things.
To example a hypothesis of hers, Cherry –let's call her- believes in the X-Factor… What is the X-Factor? Hmm… neither of us can exactly define it, but I'll try to explain by saying that it is an X (unknown) component that some people have, which enables them to be a center of attraction. It is not about innate sex appeal, it is not about intellection, nor it is about the "spirit".
Is it genetic? "Nope", says Cherry, since she feels a lacking of the X-Factor –which is a disputable point!-, but explains its unfounded existence in another family member.
Hmm… okay Cher, I'll try to look at it from your perspective… so, you're saying that you do not feel the attention that is stimulated by the X-Factor when dressing a certain way, but when the other family member borrows the same clothes, you see a hypothetical spot light cast on her? …The X-Factor it is :)
Oh btw, it's flattering that you'd perceive me as one of the X-Factor carriers…ha! …kinda ironic, but let's question that later, shall we?

We both agree on the "life will come back to bite you in the ass" philosophy! But to introduce a particular one that Cherry has come to determine after series of self-inflicted experiments : the "One step forwards, one step backwards" theory! This conclusion sounds like some sort of a dance, which it is in a way. It's a game that two- or more- people would unconsciously indulge to prove a point, …or nothing!
To clarify this theory I have to –bitterly- go back to a certain time in my life where there was a someone that I expected something from. I would make an effort to be in a certain place in his life, but I felt that I did not exactly get what I was hoping for, so I simply backed off, next thing I knew is.. he's made a move of his own as if to compliment my own... hmm...
Same thing is going on with Cherry, she wanted to get this guy we like to call Jesus (how convenient!) she didn't feel that he was interested at first, but ever since she dismissed him, he seemed to be giving her the proper attention. Ironic, no ?
Well Cher, I totally agree with you on this one, but I simply call it the "Mockery of Life". Ah well…
Anyways, I'm glad that you finally decided to start your own blog. I look forward to your next post.

Cosmic Disconnection

2005-07-28T17:26:00.001+03:00

I thought the cosmic mother and I had a pact. I stop living, and she disregards my monotonous entity. Things were going according to agreement at first, but now… I feel her including me in something unknown, yet destructive in all certainty.

Treacherous mother! My laws are broken, and for that I cannot trust anything anymore. I don't know how to react. 'What should I do when I sense another blow?' … I frantically contemplate after the fall.

Same Old Talks

2005-07-24T15:27:00.001+03:00

She looks at me with those tired eyes. I feel so sorry for her. She's trying so hard to make me see, to enlighten the darkness of my mind. she smiles again… tiredly, believing she'll fail everything if she fails with me. I smile back soothingly, 'it doesn't matter what happens, you know you tried'. I have to apologize for my imperfection again.
Sometimes, you forget to be a friend, and all I hear is your advices and your moralizations…I grow numb, and your words make no meaning in my head.
But if it makes you feel any better, I'll listen till I fade. I'll listen forever… It's the least I can do, when I can't give what you expect me to be.

Fateless Fate

2005-07-24T14:05:00.001+03:00

Some people believe in Fate, they would tell you a utopian idea- "everything that is meant to happen, eventually will". I call them romantic fools.
If there's something you want to happen, don't sit on your ass and say that it's inevitable because it's written in the stars. That's ridiculous. I would advocate Practicality, you want something, you have to work for it. If you don't, it wouldn't just crawl your way. Just accept the fact that it won't happen, so it would be better if you'd just start working on forgetting about it.
Sometimes things just never happen, and if you're mature enough you'll accept that.
Still, a person you know for neutrality in action might get it all, and you wouldn't reap what you sow, but that's not fate, right? …I call it the "mockery of life".
I think fate is a created concept –just as religion- to soothe the restraining impulse that we have of hoping, and holding on to something… even if it's not there.

Sufficiently Inadequate

2005-07-15T22:37:00.001+03:00

Sometimes I wonder what is really wrong. I don't question Darkness, or the sickness of my mind. I only taunt this fucking heart. It's my real disease. My real sickness. I want to rip it off. It's decaying within me, the core of depression.
I understand hate, but mostly I understand love. How fake it is, how deadly, and no matter what I do.. sometimes, secretly, I would smile remembering its true decadence.
Hate cannot obliterate. Hate is not two-faced. Hate is pure…unlike its counterpart…love, the suffocating, the ever demanding, the sweetly disguised poison of fatality.
Hate strikes you once, and only once. Love…it takes its time, devouring every fiber of being that you are, till you're left unrecognizable to yourself... and that's probably the most horrific of all things, not knowing the intense eyes staring back at you in the mirror…that somehow it has grown a mind of its own, and might turn against itself…you.
I'm getting closer…only a few steps away, and you will be banished and forever gone, then my Darkness will completely consume. And I will not care for you, but once and a while I will look back remembering you…lovingly.

Names of Inferno

2005-07-14T13:19:00.001+03:00

THE FOUR CROWN PRINCES OF HELL

SATAN: (Hebrew) Adversary, Opposite, Accuser, Lord of Fire, The Inferno, The South.
LUCIFER: (Roman) Bringer of Light, Enlightenment, The Air, The Morning Star, The East.
BEUAL: (Hebrew) Without a Master, Baseness of the Earth, Independence, The North.
LEVIATHAN: (Hebrew) The Serpent out of the Deeps, The Sea, The West.

Abaddon: (Hebrew) The Destroyer.
Adramelech: Samarian Devil.
Ahpuch: Mayan Devil.
Ahriman: Mazdean Devil.
Amon: Egyptian ram-headed God of Life and Reproduction.
Apollyon: Greek synonym for Satan, The Arch Fiend.
Asmodeus: (Hebrew) Devil of Sensuality and Luxury, originally "Creature of Judgment".
Astaroth: Phoenician Goddess of Lasciviousness, equivalent of Babylonian Ishtar.
Azazel: (Hebrew) Taught man to make weapons of war, introduced cosmetics.
Baalberith: Lord of the Covenant who was later made a Devil.
Ballaam: (Hebrew) Devil of Avarice and Greed .
Baphomet: Worshipped by the Templars as symbolic of Satan.
Bast: Egyptian Goddess of Pleasure represented by the cat.
Beelzebub: (Hebrew) Lord of the Flies.
Behemoth: Hebrew personification of Satan in the form of an elephant.
Beherit: Syriac name for Satan.
Bile: Celtic God of Hell.
Chemosh: National God of Moabites, later a Devil.
Cimeries: Rides a black horse and rules Africa.
Coyote: American Indian Devil.
Dagon: Philistine avenging Devil of the Sea.
Damballa: Voodoo Serpent God.
Demogorgon: Greek name of the Devil, it is said should not be known to mortals.
Diabolus: (Greek) "flowing downwards".
Dracula: Romanian name for Devil.
Emmao: Japanese Ruler of Hell.
Euronymous: Greek Prince of Death.
Fenriz: son of Loki, depicted as a wolf.
Gorgo: dim. of Demogorgon, Greek name of the Devil.
Haborym: Hebrew synonym for Satan.
Hecate: Greek Goddess of the Underworld and Witchcraft.
Ishtar: Babylonian Goddess of Fertility.
Kali:(Hindu) daughter of Shiva, High Priestess of the Thuggees.
Lilith: Hebrew female Devil, Adam's first wife who taught him the ropes.
Loki: Teutonic Devil.
Mammon: Aramaic God of Wealth and Profit.
Mania: Etruscan Goddess of Hell.
Mantus: Etruscan God of Hell.
Marduk: God of the City of Babylon.
Mastema: Hebrew synonym for Satan.
Melek Taus: Yezidi Devil.
Metztli: Aztec Goddess of the Night.
Mictian: Aztec God of Death.
Midgard: son of Loki, depicted as a Serpent.
Milcom: Ammonite Devil.
Moloch: Phoenician and Canaanite Devil.
Mormo: (Greek) King of the Ghouls, consort of Hecate.
Naamah: Hebrew female Devil of seduction.
Nergal: Babylonian God of Hades.
Nihasa: American Indian Devil.
Nija :Polish God of the Underworld.
0:Yama: Japanese name for Satan.
Pluto: Greek God of the underworld.
Persephone: Greek Queen of the Underworld.
Pwcca: Welsh name for Satan.
Rimmon: Syrian Devil worshipped at Damascus.
Sabazios: Phrygian, identified with Dionysus, Snake Worship.
Saitan: Enochian equivalent of Satan.
Sammael: (Hebrew) Venom of God.
Samnu: Central Asian Devil.
Sedit: American Indian Devil.
Sekhmet: Egyptian Goddess of Vengeance.
Set: Egyptian Devil.
Shaitan: Arabic name for Satan.
Shiva: (Hindu) The Destroyer.
Supay: Inca God of the Underworld.
T’anmo: Chinese counterpart to the Devil, Covetousness, Desire.
Tchort: The Black God, Russian name for Satan.
Tezcatlipoca: Aztec God of Hell .
Thamuz: Sumerian God who was later delivered to Devildom.
Thoth: Egyptian God of magic.
Tunrida: Scandinavian female Devil.
Typhon: Greek personification of Satan.
Yaotzin: Aztec God of Hell.
Yenl Wang: Chinese Ruler of Hell.

Source: 'The Satanic Bible', by Anton Szandor LaVey

Metal This!

2005-07-12T08:00:00.002+03:00

Passed you today in college hall. I avoided eye-contact with you…it's nothing new. A habit I have when it comes to a certain someone.
Pardon me if I was in your focus, I do not wish to ever be noticed by you.
Still, I wanted to turn invincible… the only way I can step a little closer to memorize how your face looks like.
You're not an object of my affection. You're a rag doll in black raising my despise, mainly directed at myself for once thinking that I could give you a chance at something.
I don't want to see you ever again. What happened was put to an end, and I'm sorry it had to reach that far, I'm sorry about that little stunt I did to your friend…It was not my idea, I was just the first to do it! ..and I do regret it, it was stupid. At least I would admit it, not act as phony as you do!
And you don't have to make more of an ass of yourself by circling where I sit, going back and forth like you have some business, it's pathetic! I saw you the first time…I just wasn't impressed by what I've seen, I was mainly revolted. You can go ahead and change your scene, cos it's not hard to see through the act anymore.

To Free the Pain

2005-07-10T16:39:00.001+03:00

A moment out of my control. My body and mind were two separate beings, and I ,the third…their observer.
My mind screamed "No.. this is not right!" but my hand went on. "Stop it! What happened is not worth it!" ...As I look on, new six cuts are made, and I can't even feel them, but my mind is grieving as a new form of sickness is born to mark my body. Now I really have to hide.
I miss the slams of doors, the punching of walls, the useless grazing of bloodied nails on impenetrable surfrace. At least someone knew back then, someone heard, someone … asked, in total bsurdity "What was that?!"...waiting for me to reply the usual "Nothing." But now it's all quiet. No forged answers. Nothing. Only me witnessing the darkling red.

Fairy of Art

2005-07-07T14:30:00.001+03:00

This post is for a special person, …a fairy to be specific :) Art Fairy gave me two presents that I'm really impressed by…
No, Art Fairy is not my art muse or something! my muse would be from Hell! She's actually a friend of mine who is really talented in sensual pictorial art. Some of her works of oil paints were in the art exhibition of the English day in Kuniv- I remember one was sold to quiet an interesting Professor ;)
So Art Fairy, if you ever read this, thanks taking a little time to draw me these sexy witches- very thoughtful with the pentagram ;)
After your permission, I post them…

I took these pictures by a Lumix Panasonic cam, still it doesn't really do them justice, …'sides, I'm not a good photographer.
Looking forward to seeing your site. Good luck with your work, girl!

A Hym to the Hollow

2005-07-01T11:37:00.001+03:00

Once you try to pull out, it pulls you under... further in, and you drown…
How can you fight it? This state of paralysis is only deafening, blinding, chocking… searing the other senses. But the worst thing you can ever do is to pray, then all hope will be lost… because what you will realize, after your hundredth prayer, is that there is no Divinity for you. Or to anyone else. The self-generating superstition through all the centuries. The biggest of all. The darkest. We repeat every time we fall or up, when we fail or succeed, in lamentation or in chanting… merely because we need to believe that we are not alone.
"We are not . We are not alone. We are not alone because He is there. Somewhere. Some place. The Unknown. Watching, and promising, everything and nothing. That is why we are not alone."
If this is the way you need it to be. If this stops your chronic bleeding, then don't try to pull out, just drown… because He has promised you that you are not alone.

From Hell...

2005-06-30T12:51:00.001+03:00

I walked into some place, full of colors and dancing people… all the things I hate. Loud noises, and unfamiliar faces. 'Fuck, what am I doing here?' Should have fought harder for my place, where I belong. But the sacrifices you have to make for things you don’t believe in… numerous, and ever persisting.
Then I saw her. There she was standing. She smiled when I walked towards her. "You look just the same" she winked. I didn't reply, I was too disgusted by all of this. Moments of silence pass between us, but it's always been disrupted by…everything.

I'm panicking now, I need my place… I need to hide, somewhere not in this crowd. Then I feel a tap on my shoulder, I look up and there she is again… she must have been calling me for sometime, but I didn't hear her. She leans in, "come with me to the restrooms!" … perfect! She wants to fix up! Now why the hell should I come along? … oh yes, because I need to play the nice friend. Yes, of course.

She walks next to me smiling at everyone, sometimes stopping to say 'hi', and ask how they've been. I just shy away, but still stay close to her. We eventually reach the restrooms. I look around… not a lot of people, the place kinda looks dirty and… my thoughts stop when I look at her, "what's wrong?" I ask concerned, "My feet hurt!!" .. she limps "Those damn shoes are tight!". With the stress I'm feeling, I would have laughed so hard… it's funny watching the others distress!! … but not her, my Mona Lisa. I frown, "let's find you a place to sit.", she's irritated "No! I have to be there! They have to see me standing there!" … what the.. ?! "Hon, you're limping!" as a matter of fact. She looks at me as if I'm crazy, "I. Have. To. Be. There!" … fucking fine, sweetheart!

She limps as we walk out of the restrooms, and the first step she's made out, she's walking gracefully again! …smiling at everyone, stopping to say 'hi', and ask how they've been…! I feel sick. I know she's hurting. 'you sure have a 'straight' face now, Mona Lisa!'

Minutes pass by, I'm drowned in my thoughts again and they all disappear. I don't listen. I don't see. I'm inside my mind. Nothing matters… but…
I look at her place and she's not there anymore. I'm stuck in my place, only my eyes search for her, 'where the hell did she.. ' ..my eyes narrow, I twist my face in disgust, she's dancing with them.. she's has a big smile in her face, and she's dancing.. I know she's hurt, I know she's …. Not with me now. 'for who, Mona Lisa? ..who's worth all this?' fuck it! I walk away, and find a place for myself at the corner, nobody's there… I'm invisible now. Good.

I look at the wedding singer. She's just doing her job. It's not anything special for her, why would she… I see an old woman approaching her. The singer leans in as the old woman whispers something in her ear. I sit and watch. The singer lifts the microphone, and says "Om "…..", wants to invite all of you to her son's wedding on…" my eyebrows lift up, I know that name! Yes, he proposed to me about 6 months ago, and I said 'no', but my mom *still* repeats that I'm a 'dense snob' for 'refusing' him cos he's a good match, cos he's a fucking doctor, cos he is this, and that! … fuck! Now not only did I have a night from hell, but my morning is gonna be ruined cos mom will *still* repeat that I'm a 'dense snob', cos he's a good match, cos he's a fucking doctor, cos he is.....

Lestatian Philosophy!

2005-06-24T02:17:00.001+03:00

I started reading Blood Canticle by Anne Rice, who's one of my favorite authors. She's probably most known for Interview with of a Vampire from her Vampire chronicle series. I want to quote her opinion written in the voice of vampyre Lestat, it's not about sucking blood and mutilating corpses! But rather a rare 'humanistic' monologue:

"Our biggest mistake worldwide is our insistence on perceiving every new development as a culmination, or a climax. The great "at last" or "nth degree". A constitutional fatalism continuously adjusts itself to the ever changing present. A pervasive alarmism greets every advance. For two thousand years we have been getting "out of hand".

"This derives of course from our susceptibility to viewing the "now" as the End of Time, an Apocalyptic obsession that has endured since Christ ascended into Heaven"

"We must stop this! We must perceive that we are dawn of a sublime age! Enemies will no longer be conquered, they will be devoured, and transformed."

Hmm.. is that like how it is in Iraq?... that it was not 'conquered' but 'devoured'?

Lestat continues "But here's the point I really want to make: Modernism and Materialism – elements that the Church has feared for so long- are in their practical and philosophical infancy! The sacramental nature is only just being revealed… never mind the infantile blunders! The electronic revolution has transmuted the industrial world beyond all predictive thinking of the twentieth century"

Quiet the "optimistic" look to the future. Personally, I think we can only go down from here.. and I'm not talking technology :/

Early Wake-up Calls

2005-06-22T10:14:00.001+03:00

Can't they feel it? When they call you before sunrise, before you whisper that it's going to be another day of turmoil. They say they want your help, that they can't sleep… that's why they woke you. They say things like "I need you and you're the only one who can understand…" sometimes you stop to indulge the 'untimely' flattery. A small curve of lips would do it.. they can feel it in your voice through the phone line . But then.. at some point, they start to cry and Hell breaks loose.

Is this a dream or reality? …is it possible that they broke into your nightmare? Fuck! ...No, it's real! She needs you now, and the "good friend" role started a few hours early! Shake off tiredness, drive out everything but her… now concentrate.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart," how many times did you say that already? "It's alright," just calm her down. "It's gonna be okay, " lie… just don't promise, …they might hold you up to that..

An hour passes, "Yeah hon, I'm with you…listening" you rub your eyes, wonder why the fuck the mobile wasn't switched off? …No, don't wander away now! …she expects your advice any minute now… responsibility! …just fucking focus!

Now words of finale, "Just be strong… No! it's alright, you can call anytime…you take it easy, okay?" Stop thanking me… stop saying I'm a such a good friend, I don't want to hear it! Just press the red button, …No, switch off the damn thing!

Now my head is on the pillow, *sigh* … five minutes pass, ….ten, thirty…'Fuck, what's wrong with me?' …I'm so tired…can't sleep…
I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself!

'What is she doing now? … Hope she's not crying again…' A long hour passes, 'I told her she should…' the bed doesn't feel comfortable, turn again… lie on your back … 'I said I'm gonna call her the next day… I mean today!' … check the clock, 'Fuck! The alarm goes off in twenty minutes!' … Don't wanna sleep… Don't wanna go to school.. Don't wanna see anybody, and I am keeping my mobile off! …well, till it's time I call her anyway..!!

Guess when they pour their problems to me, they really pour them.

Hazed

2005-06-21T19:30:00.001+03:00

What's worse? Feeling pain, or feeling numb? Feeling that someone betrayed you or someone has forgotten you? I pick the latter choice of the two.

Nothing is worst than being left with nothing. Nothing is worst than being left with 'everything'. Where should we stand? It's hell both ways, but even "hell" has degrees.
Crying in anguish is so much better than crying in void. Seems like the walls have grown fists and now they're choking.

The memories are gone. I tried to remember, but they were blurred, and I stuttered a thousand times trying to bring them to life. 'Yes, you're not my muse anymore, but you're a part of me and I don’t want to lose that.' I think I might have an advice to give on how to be 'insensitive'.

Sound of Satan!

2005-06-16T05:34:00.001+03:00

I read this article online about the U.S military using Metallica's "Enter Sandman" as a torture device on one of Sept.11th hijacker, Mohammed al-Qahtani during his interrogation! That's funny… what's funnier is that it says it actually brought him to tears! …I wonder why, was it cos he thought Metallica played badly, or his fanatic ears feared the "immortal punishment" for hearing the sound of Satan?!
Okay now seriously, Al-Qahtani was surely scared to death of being captured, and the music was not soothing for once!, but why pick Metallica?

I played "Enter Sandman" found on 'tallica's "The Black Album", and listened to it like the first time…yeah, Ulrich's drum at the intro could really get on your nerves when you're scared, it's almost like a warning that something is coming so 'get ready'!
The lyrics are powerful, but I doubt the guy, probably lacking knowledge of proper English, was concentrating to what Hetfield was singing!

Personally, I don't think Metallica is scary. Metallica is inspiring, powerful, heavy-but not my pick to scare anyone. To play the "sound of Satan", they should put on something like Dark Funeral or Cannibal Corpse. That could freak out anyone without any pressure of interrogation!

I Felt a Funeral in my Brain...

2005-06-11T20:33:00.001+03:00

Silence cuts through my brain, it's happening again. I welcome the familiar feeling…I'm not trying to sound poetic, I'm just writing what goes on in my head :/

I love poetry, it has some sort of 'sanctity' to me, and few people get the chance to love what they study.. I guess I happen to be one of the selected few.

One poetess that seemed to touch me on profound personal level is Emily Dickinson. The way she put loneliness and alienation in her poetry is very deep and accurate.. you could really feel the pain/sarcasm in her poetry, I guess the 'secret' is, she really experienced what it feels like to be lonely, others mostly imagine it. One more thing about Emily is how she 'rejected' society and chose to live alone. She detected the hypocrisy in the social 'pleasantries'…I know how that feels , how it can make you cringe away.

One favorite poem by Emily is number 280 ( She did not title her poems, they were first published after she passed away). This poem is about 'descending' into insanity because of grief.

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading -- treading -- till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through --

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum --
Kept beating -- beating -- till I thought
My Mind was going numb --

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space -- began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here --

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down --
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing -- then --

The poem ends with '-then', I think this is really central to emphasis the poem's thesis, that is 'the horrors of insanity' .. it's like her mind stopped or went blank in her turmoil *sigh*

Not Meant For Me

2005-06-02T23:28:00.001+03:00

I have two names on blacklist… One I got over (I think) and one is a work in progress. I must admit it gets under my skin.. I hate it like Hell.
I'm always surrounded with people, ones I might call 'friends' at times… what can I say?

I am the needed, not the needy.
I am the influence, not the influenced.
I am the 'abandoner', not the abandoned.
I am the over-66-centemeters-the- not-green version of Yoda :p

Egotistical much? .. Well it's true! And you can only imagine my loathing when I remember my blacklist, not directed at them, but myself… fuck! How did they get to my head? I know I let them, and it's my fault, but WHEN did they creep in to my head!?
I'm glad to say that my pride is salvaged cos I'm not as pathetic as to think of them all night… not even the best of it really.. I only think of them when I'm lonely. But honestly, their ghosts keep me company.

Misconceptions for Granted

2005-05-30T13:54:00.001+03:00

I'm not going to start this post by saying "appearances are deceptive", or give the advice of "don't judge a book by its cover"… er… just did, didn't I ? Ah well! It just keeps repeating in my head, giving me a headache, making me confused, and ever more paranoid!

These two idioms are common and closely related, not just semantically speaking, but also that they are both 'overlooked' in spite of their wide consumptions! Can you honestly tell me that you do not 'judge a book by its cover' ? ... er.. okay, can you please go back and re-read the question emphasizing on the word 'honestly'?! …But I guess that takes us to another level, doesn't it ?!

... I'm not trying to get a rise out of anyone in particular, I just think that ignoring the appearance of somebody is like taking out one of your natural "defense mechanisms" or something! The bottom line is, appearances are not deceptive as much as they are apart of the person who projects them.

Of course to all rules, there's the rare exception, but I do ask you to look at the prevailing chances. … Still when you think about it, you find a lot of people here in my splendid country of Kuwait (!) who are committed to their 'religious' clothing, but… you can guess the rest…

It's merely my own opinion posted in my own blog :)

Wrong Turn

2005-05-26T12:18:00.001+03:00

Just finished watching this movie called Wrong Turn, it's just another low-budget movie about cannibals. During the movie, I kept thinking… should we –the viewers- feel sorry for the characters who have died –and now being chopped up- or.. the other characters that are trying to survive – currently hiding under the bed!-
Hmm… Sure some would try to compromise and go for the impartial response of "Both, …I feel sorry for both characters", and that's fair… yet it seems somewhat of a shallow answer for someone who obviously did not put themselves in the situation.

I try to imagine myself in the situation –and I can only imagine!- being hunted down by cannibals who have just 'eaten' my friends and who have me next on their menu… what would I'd rather be? The "victim", or the "survivor"? hmm... I would definitely prefer to be lying in a pool of my blood and being eaten by a punch of deranged flee-bags, than to actually to keep on running and running from their blades!

However that may sound to you, I would not think of myself as a coward, but as a survivor. How? … okay, do you think that those who have "survived" are actually living? That the next day they would get in to their cars and ride to work ? … think again! Final question, do you prefer a slow death, or a quick death? ...How does that relate? I tell you…
I figure that, having a knife slitting my throat, I would not care what happens to me afterwards. Let them have a big orgy fest with my guts; I.Do.Not.Care! Why? Because I'm Dead! And this mortal body means nothing to me anymore!
But what if I did survive? …hmm… I would kill myself everyday, whether by nightmares, paranoia, phobias… you name it. I think, at some point, I would just kill myself –literally. It’s a matter of how much can you handle, not how much you *think* you can handle.
I choose to fool everyone but myself, still I don't think I can play hero for the rest of my life cos I know I would eventually crack… and higher power knows I can only pretend for so long!

Just When You Think It's Over...

2005-05-24T11:12:00.001+03:00

The play was postponed till Monday. The performance went great! Sure my heart was beating out of its chest but I did not fuck up once!
I thought the play would be my "biggest event of the week", but turns out I have to undertake a minor surgery at the hospital… now… THAT is ironic!
It's nothing serious just this little lump that developed in …. er… some part that I'd prefer not to mention in this blog! …
It's 10:30 A.M, and I'm scheduled to be in at 12 which is the time of the surgery, I'll be out in two hours, no big deal!
I'm kinda excited about the surgery! I miss the operation room! … the only operation I had was in right eye about 4 years ago. The only thing I'm hating is the attention I'm gonna get when I'm out of the surgery! Now that is annoying, all you wanna do is be by yourself to proudly check on the scar tissue every minute and then, but does their constant irrelevant presence make it any easier..? I think not.
It's funny when I think that I got this tumor because I was so nervous from the acting - I know that thing takes a while to 'grow'- but still… it would have made a damn good excuse to drop out!

To Stutter or Not to Stutter... That is the Question!

2005-05-20T21:47:00.001+03:00

I have a play performance due tomorrow. I feel sick thinking that- literally I do. I'm so damn nervous. Being 'in the spot light' is nightmarish to me, I guess that nightmare is turning to reality tomorrow.
It's just one scene from Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar". I play Cassius, the character that manipulated Brutus 'the protagonist' into killing Caesar. Ironic how I'm the one who actually chose the scene, and I seem to be the one dreading it the most.
It's not like I didn't memorize my lines- I did! But my mind freezes in mid thought when I'm faced by the "thousand-eye-snake"! … that's obviously hyperbole for people who would be there to see us perform.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the play would be postponed till Monday, I know it's dumb cos I'm gonna fuck up whether I do it's tomorrow or later… guess I still feel I need more time in rehearsals.

But I think this mental torture that I inflict upon myself is worse than actually performing the play, so… let's just get it over and done with...

Fallacy of the Occult

2005-05-13T04:43:00.001+03:00

It's a fact that Kuwait is a developing country, technologically and socially, however, if it was a living organic entity, I think it would be developing 'bad cells' more than it's developing good ones. But honestly, can you say otherwise about any country? This whole world is on mission to self-destruct :)

Since Kuwait is a small region, every little thing that happens has a strong impact, you'd pass a lot of people discussing one headline in a local newspaper. Whatever happens, It spreads in a heartbeat, …like I said, it affects the whole diminutive place. Not like how it is in the U.S. Sure you'd see a photo of a serial killer on CNN, but hey, it's nothing new, happens everyday. Some people just go numb with time and stop responding.. no big deal.

Back to Kuwait, I'm not talking about the man who splattered his mother's brain with a hammer while she was praying, or the man convicted with multiple-homicide for killing all his children, then trying to commit suicide… no these things do not concern *ME*. Sure they shake some of my perspectives, but they do not interrupt my routine, or change the place where I planned to have lunch! I'm just more concerned with things that actually do...

I think that the Kuwaiti society is pretty closed on its traditions. Although we do witness "new trends", it's mostly taken or projected the wrong way, and that is simply not a progress, it's just a change ...to the obvious worse.
I said in my first post that this blog is meant to be written for myself rather than anyone who would read it, I'm just pissed and I want to take it out on some…one?!
Lol, nahh.. it's not like that. What I want to say is, there has been a new emerging cult/subculture in Kuwait –that is not dangerous, so keep seated!- called Goth. Since I'm interested in this subculture, I have not yet been able to get a hold of people from that cult, unfortunately… which makes me feel kinda lonely.
It's no surprise if you haven't heard of this cult before, it's really unfamiliar in Arab countries since it's a foreign subculture descending from Punk.

One of the problems that Goths would face is: the confusion of Gothicism with Satanism. I think it creates some sort of a hassle especially to an individual who's new to the Goth scene. And since Goth is a cult of multi religion –or non-religion-, Satanism would be a part of it just like how it can be a part of any community. It's because a Satanist would be Goth, whether it's about wearing black clothes or thinking of 'dark' aspects that sometimes are satanic. but not every Goth, inevitably, is a Satanist.

For me, I'm not a Satanist and I have no problem with Satanists as long as they're not one of those dumb dabblers that sacrifice animals, cos that's not Satanism -according to the founder of the Church of Satan, late Anton LaVey- that's just anarchy caused by human ignorance in search of a "spiritual" identity. Still Satanists are not tolerated in Kuwait like how they possibly are in some other countries. Here, they are more into vandalism and criminal activity that actually practicing a religion- or an un-religion. You'd have to be familiar with modern Satanism –the LaVeyan- to see my point.

I think I stopped caring about being described as a 'Satanist'. Sometimes I smile humoring their ignorance. But still at times it does get to me as it strikes me seeing how much I'm misunderstood, especially by my parents who have no idea what Gothicism is, but read about the corrupt Satanism in newspapers.

First Timer

2005-05-06T14:14:00.001+03:00

My first post! Should be excited but mostly I'm indifferent about it. I don't know why I created this blog in the first place, I went online and had absolutely nothing to do :/

I guess I have a few things in mind that, some scattered thoughts that I wanna write to the cyber void. One thing I know is that I'm doing this for me, not for whoever might read this, it's gonna be my way -but hey I'm not that bitchy, I'd like it if someone out there dropped me a feedback sometime :)

I don't know what exactly to write about right now, I don't want to start from "the beginning" of a distant time, I want to talk about now, and what I think at the time being. I want to transcribe these ideas that rage in my mind every minute of everyday… damn I talk too much! …. But I guess that's a good thing here, right?!

*Blinks at the screen* Dammit! Still not sure what to write! Guess I'm enjoying my time speaking about nothing! ….Ahh my mind isn't working! Maybe cos the music is too loud I can't hear myself think… well maybe, but hey! Who would ever listen to Heavy-Metal in low volume?! … that's breaking the rules of Metal …er… if there is any…

I think Heavy-Metal is the only music genre that is open to any topic, all others have restricted their lyrics to sing about love, sex, or new dance moves! … hmm… well, I like Eminem, mostly for who he is, rather than his rapping- you gotta admit he's quiet an interesting persona. Rap can be interesting too if it wasn't about that "booty-shakin'" crap! what can I say? it's just not ma cupa tea! I just think you should be listening to stuff that you can somewhat relate yourself to; that's not a rule, but if you ever tried listening to song that can actually trigger something in your memory, something that happened or something you've felt, you would definitely respond to it in a more profound way, and that's a rule!